April 25, 2009

Life Lessons for Ants

1. Stay with the group. When people see a lone ant they go, "Ah! An ant! Kill it!" But when they see a group they go, "Ah! A group of ants! Let's move over there..."

2. Never follow a stranger's pheromone trail. They may lead you to a dark alley and try to steal your leaf.

3. You are much more terrifying under a microscope or projector screen. Use this to your advantage as often as possible.

4. If a human spills something sticky, avoid it at all costs; no matter how many of your friends are playing in it. It may look incredibly appealing, but it offers you no long term benefit, and may cost you your life.

5. If it's your job to store nectar, you must resist the urge to pee or your colony will lose days of work and possibly starve to death.

6. Enjoy the larval and pupal stages of your life as much as you can while they last. One day you'll have to work for your food... And you'll never get to stop.

7. It is not an honor to become a forager. This means you're too old and about to die anyway.

8. Consider yourself blessed and cursed if you're a male born with wings. Your only purpose in life is to eat and have sex... But after you have sex, you die.

9. Use caution around caterpillars. Some have a gland that secretes honeydew when you massage them, but others will trick you into taking them home to eat your larvae. You are smarter than this.

10. Usurping the queen's throne is impossible. You are simply a pawn.

April 18, 2009


I will now be breaking down and analyzing the lyrics of one of the most important new songs of our generation. A song that is obviously and completely deserving of its current number 1 spot on the top 40 charts.

Of course I'm talking about BOOM BOOM POW, by none other than the Black Eyed Peas. Just when we were beginning to think that their finest musical triumph had come and gone with 'My Humps,' they've gently and lovingly dropped their latest and greatest masterpiece into our laps; and we couldn't be more thankful for it.

Nothing more needs to be said. Let's get down to it...

Gotta get-get, gotta get-get
Gotta get-get, gotta g-g-g-get-get-get, get-get

With the opening lines here, the Peas demonstrate their lyrical ingenuity with a controversial, yet possibly brilliant duality of thought: On the one hand, they dare to cross the line of political correctness by rudely imitating a person who suffers from verbal non-fluency (or stuttering, if one wishes to be a jerk). On the other hand, however, it becomes clear - the deeper you look into the context of the words - that what they're doing here is including - and expressing their love for - those who suffer from this speech disorder. With this in mind, the words 'Gotta get' can only imply one thing here: 'We've gotta get through this disorder, and we're gonna do it together. We're here for you, and we love you.'
Okay Peas, we're here for you now... Please continue.

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get

Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom

Here's where they introduce the main point of the song: Boom boom pow. What do they mean by this? Naturally there must be some deeper meaning - as there always is in Black Eyed Peas lyrics - to this seemingly inane phrase. Let's look further, and perhaps its meaning will surface.

Yo, I got that hit that beat the block
You can get that bass overload
I got the that rock and roll
That future flow

The first line here opens with a playful 'Yo', letting the listener know that despite their superstar status, the Peas are just normal people with normal lingo - it's current and fun. 'That hit that beat the block' obviously refers to the game played by toddlers, wherein wooden alphabet blocks are stacked atop one another, and subsequently struck down with a powerful hit. This simple line shows just how well this group crosses all barriers of age, by including even infants. The next line, talking about bass overload, is a foreshadowing of the message to come later in the song - a slight suggestion of the meaning of the cryptic 'Boom Boom Pow' message. Next they tell us that they 'got that rock and roll, that future flow.' Well they certainly do have rock and roll, as anyone who has ever heard rock and roll music can attest to by listening to any Black Eyed Peas song... but 'future flow'? What could this mean? Further down the rabbit hole we go...

That digital spit
Next level visual shit
I got that boom boom pow
How the beat bang, boom boom pow

Here's where this song begins to either confuse the listener, or open their eyes to the innovative and metaphoric world of possibilities that is the Black Eyed Peas. 'That digital spit' suggests - almost prophetically - the time in which the events to follow will take place... in an age of digital 'spit', if you will. 'Next level visual shit' immediately and unquestionably invokes the thought, 'What will it be like to poop in the future?' The question that has plagued mankind each generation since the dawn of humanity. Only now, in this time of 'digital spit', can it finally be addressed again with such grace and urgency. What happens next is nothing short of a miracle. After years of empty hoping and wondering what it will be like to poop in the future, four shining stars emerge with the answer to the age-old question. They shall be revered as heroes forevermore. Thy names are Fergie, Will.I.Am, Apl.De.Ap, and Taboo. For it appears that 'they alone got that boom boom pow'; or in more understandable terms, 'they are the new face of defecation.'

I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin' my style
They try copy my swagger
I'm on that next shit now

'I like that boom boom pow.' Obviously if they are to proclaim themselves the new champions of poop and pooping - a title which I feel is well deserved - they must like it. But it appears that someone has discovered their plans, and is attempting to swoop in and snatch up the glory. But who would do such a thing? Let's see... chickens... swagger... chick... Mick... swagger... Jagger... Of course! Mick Jagger, during his eighty-four years in the music business, must have the acquired the wisdom and connections to discover the Peas' plot to become the future of poop; and is now trying to make a comeback to stop it from ever happening. Well played, mister Jagger... but it appears you're too late, as the Peas are one step ahead of everyone, and are already 'on that next shit now.' Is it possible that they've already completed a prototype for the world's new excrement model?

I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom, boom, boom
That future boom, boom, boom
Let me get it now

These lyrics seem to suggest just that. And astonishingly, not only are they the future of poop in this generation, but they've taken the liberty of preparing a poop model for the next thousand years! It's time to release that sigh of relief you've been holding, in anticipation of this moment... Thank you Black Eyed Peas! Thank you!

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get

Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow

The only question that remains now is: what does the future of poop look like?

I'm on the supersonic boom
Y'all hear the spaceship zoom
When, when I step inside the room
Them girls go ape-shit, uh

To the men of the world, there is scarcely a more exciting thought than that of taking a 'supersonic crap'. It is every mans dream to enter a restroom and relieve themselves with an explosion of sound and intensity which rivals the crack of thunder, or that of a spaceship breaking the sound barrier twenty-two times over. So girls, when you see a man 'step inside the room', or 'enter a restroom of the future', be prepared to 'go ape-shit, uh'... for the sound and shock wave that follows will not only be deafening, but it could quite possibly kill you. At least we're given a warning here of what to expect in the future.

Y'all stuck on Super 8 shit
That low-fi stupid 8 bit
I'm on that HD flat
This beat go boom boom bap

Here the Peas divulge a bit more of the future than our feeble minds can understand at the moment, but I will try my best to interpret what they mean. I've heard (from sources I can't reveal) that 'Super 8' refers to our current state of pooping. We're still in the very early stages... I'm not sure what level the Peas have ascended to at this point, but they make it quite clear - with this subtly brilliant metaphor - that they're like an XBox360 on a giant HD flat screen compared to our regular 8-bit Nintendo. And our 'beat', or 'poop', goes 'boom boom bap', while theirs goes 'boom boom pow'. And we all know that 'pow' is much more powerful than 'bap'.

I'm a beast when you turn me on
Into the future cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Sexy ladies extra longer

The first two lines here are another throwback to the XBox/Nintendo metaphor. The XBox360 is a 'beast' compared to the original Nintendo system, so we can definitely expect very big things from future crappers. They also suggest that ladies will gain an enormous amount of crapping power, and theirs will be 'harder, faster, better, and stronger' than men's crap. And with the foreknowledge of men taking supersonic poops, one can only imagine the immense potency of women in the future. Perhaps it will redefine the term 'sexy ladies' as we know it... since they'll be taking the longest poops of all.

'Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat that 808
That the boom, boom in your town

Of course, there will be some major drawbacks to this newfound pooping power. The most obvious, as stated here, is that '808' - the penal code for disturbing the peace - will become a common complaint in every town. You'll hear that 'boom, boom' night and day. The act of sleeping will be rare if not impossible, and I'm sure pooping laws and regulations will have to be put into effect. Gigantic, public soundproof buildings will likely be constructed in an effort to reduce the sound of defecation ringing throughout the city.

People in the place
If you wanna get down
Put your hands in the air
Will.i.am drop the beat now

I believe the secret to attaining this pooping power is found in a clever play on words, which Will.I.Am almost gives away in this verse. This subtle clue is given in the last line, 'Will.I.Am drop the beat now.' To the average ear, it would appear as if they're referring to the 'beat' found throughout the rest of the song. But what they're really saying is 'beet', as in the vegetable. Very few people know the power that beets possess when it comes to pooping. In fact, the ancient Romans used beetroot as a treatment for constipation. Caelius Apicius, in his Latin cookbook, De re coquinaria (On the subject of cooking), gives three recipes for beet soups to be taken as a laxative. I believe Will.I.Am was mere moments away from divulging this secret, when they told him to 'drop the beet' and keep singing.

Yup, yup
I be rockin' them beats, yup, yup
I be rockin' them beats, y-y-yup, yup

However, the clever mind of Will.I.Am carefully places another much-less subtle suggestion here, by blatantly telling us that his secret is 'rockin', or 'eating' beets. To the casual listener, however, this clue will float right past their ears... simply registering in their mind as 'beats.'

Here we go, here we go, satellite radio
Y'all gettin' hit with boom boom
Beats so big I'm steppin' on leprechauns

Here we go, indeed... With satellite radio all but replacing traditional radio, there has never been a better time than now to release the Black Eyed Peas' secret to the world, and progress and evolve the state of our pooping to higher and greater levels. We all are getting hit with their 'boom boom', and we're ready to join them with booms of our own. Again, the word 'beats' is actually 'beets' here. Apparently they've discovered a family of beets so large, it gives them pooping power which rivals even the power of leprechauns. Could it be possible to grant wishes, or even produce pots of gold from our butts in the future? The Black Eyed Peas seem to believe so. What a time to be alive!

Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all you with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all you with the

By this point, if it's not crystal clear to you already, the Peas are practically shoving this new age of pooping down your throats, or 'shittin' on y'all with the boom boom'. They're saying, 'It's right here, people! Must we defecate on you in order to make you understand?!' I for one do not need such assistance.

This beat be bumpin', bumpin'
This beat go boom, boom
Let the beat rock
Let the beat rock
Let the beat rock
This beat be bumpin', bumpin'
This beat go boom, boom

How much more can they stress the importance of literal 'beets' as the key ingredient here for the advancement of human defecation as we know it? The answer is none. None more.
And again, with the following lyrics, the Peas' victorious proclamation comes to fruition...

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get

Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow

Let the beat rock
(Let the beat rock)
Let the beat rock
(Let the beat)
Let the beat
(Let the beat rock, rock, rock, rock)

My dear friends, for a while I had my doubts... I thought perhaps someone else out there would advance the human race in the right direction. But I was wrong. And there can be no doubt about it now: The Black Eyed Peas are the future of crap.

March 25, 2009

The Great and Powerful Scene

Has anyone noticed a disturbing correlation between the awful, glam rock, hair-metal bands of the 80's, and today's current 'indie/scene/emo' hair bands?

I certainly have.

Allow me to point out some of these similarities.

First and foremost, there's the hair:

Today the hair is a little different, but let's be honest... it's just as bad:

'Guys, how about we all wear red t-shirts with black ties. It'll be like we match, but our hair is so unique that it'll set us apart.'

'Are the spikes distributed evenly across the back of my head? Ok take the picture, quick!'

Then there are the terrible costumes and makeup:

That's right, the Ultimate Warrior used to front a hair band.

'Wouldn't it be great if we all actually had vaginas?'

And again, plenty of bands follow suit today. But the trick is, since every band today wants to be 'indie', they have to be much more subtle about their costume. They must appear as if they're going against the grain, and doing something completely unique. And so their anti-costume becomes their costume.

Here are a few examples of anti-costume costumes:

The kid on the far left here, oddly enough, freaks me out the most... look at his eyes.
'I will suck your blood. That's right... YOU!'

I can imagine the photo shoot director here, 'Ok guys, give me a look like you don't care what people think of you. And let's try the pink eye shadow this time. It really makes your eyes pop.'

The guy on the left was kicked out of the band shortly after this picture was taken. There's no smiling (or even smirking) allowed.

I can't really tell what's going on in the picture below... there's an enormous cloud of egos blocking whatever it is.

The kid in the middle here is flashing a secret scene band gang sign. I think it means, 'I can't believe so many people actually take us seriously'. Although it could also denote the size of his scene penis.

So... aside from the obvious image similarities, what else do the scene hair bands of today have in common with 80's hair bands?

Let's see...

Cheesy synthesizers? Check!

Astoundingly overt arrogance? Absolutely. More than ever.

Songs that attempt to sound bigger than they really are? You'd better believe it. The term 'epic' is far too casually thrown around today, even when describing a 3-minute generic pop song.

A vast over-population of these kind of bands? Double check!

Meaningless, vague, cliche lyrics? Definitely, although I'd argue that today's lyrics are worse than ever. For example:

(From the very popular song, Girls Do What They Want, by The Maine)
She's 18 and a beauty queen
She's figured out all the boys like me
Head to toe you know she's dressed to kill (dressed to kill)
And she could the way she's looking at me
It's her face and those eyes, I can't escape 'em
It's that mouth and those lies, try not to taste 'em

That's just the way things are, and the way they'll aways be

Girls do what they want
Whoa, whoa
Boys do what they can
Girls do what they want
Whoa, whoa
Boys do what they can

(That's just the way things are)

Because the boys are feeling jealous
And it just doesn't make any sense
Go on and tell 'em why the girls are into fellas
That toss 'em to the side in the end
And you know that all the
The boys are falling in love
With the girls who don't know what's up
I think we've all had enough of this now
These kids are talking 'bout love
We think we've all had enough
We've had enough of this now

I've certainly had enough of this now.

I'd say it's pretty obvious that there are way too many similarities between the 80's and the 00's... But are there any differences?

There is just one MAJOR difference.
And that is the band's ability to perform their own songs live. In the 80's, it wasn't all that bad going to concerts because the bands, no matter how arrogant and ridiculous-looking they were, could play the crap out of their instruments; and the singers could actually sing like they did on the albums. There was no such thing as auto-tuning. Bands nowadays are in trouble because they make these elaborate, over-produced and layered, robotic-sounding records... and they can't do them ANY justice in their live shows.

The singers can't sing, so they definitely can't do any of the layered harmonies from the record. There's only one singer (who can hardly sing to begin with) sometimes accompanied by one awful background singer. It's as if singing was an afterthought.

And they can hardly play their own instruments. It's more about looking cool than actually playing. If you have the right moves it doesn't matter what you play or don't play. Watch for the hair flips, the guitar spins and tosses, the jump kicks, the guys spinning in circles... It's like watching a really lame, repetetive circus; with guys who aren't circus performers, and aren't doing anything particularly exciting. I like to imagine them without their guitars, practicing those moves in the mirror. Guitars give many people a false sense of awesomeness. One of my favorite moves is the lead singer bent over - as if they were going to poop standing up, and watch it drop between their legs - with feet awkwardly turned inward, and one hand on the mic (with neon tape wrapped around it) and the other hand stretched out behind them. Another classic lead singer move right now is the hand stretched out, palm out (if you're lucky, they'll have something awesome written on their hand like, 'Heartbreaker'). I don't understand this one.

Let's just hope that the 2010's are to the 2000's, as the 90's were to the 80's:

The end.